Friday, February 17, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Parenting for the Nice Guy/People Pleaser
Hi everyone,
I'm working on compiling my favorite Nice Guy/People Pleaser quotes - I find they really are good touchstones and tools to keep in mind when we have to fight the tendency to be say yes or be TOO nice.
Here is today's. It pictures a child, but trust me, this advice is not just for working with kids.
Best to all, Peter
I'm working on compiling my favorite Nice Guy/People Pleaser quotes - I find they really are good touchstones and tools to keep in mind when we have to fight the tendency to be say yes or be TOO nice.
Here is today's. It pictures a child, but trust me, this advice is not just for working with kids.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
The Boundary Setting Cycle
Well, I just set a boundary. And now I am nervous.
I recognize this as a cycle. As least a cycle since I've become conscious enough to start setting boundaries over a decade ago. It goes like this:
1) Feel the pressure/dislike of their request/violation
2) Get brave
3) Set my boundary firmly and directly
4) Get nervous and wait for the sh*t to hit the fan
5) A response happens
6) I recalibrate my thinking and integrate the new result
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
All of those steps gets more fine-tuned, quicker, and more direct each time. I think they are also "cleaner" for want of a better word. That is - my emotional reactivity in setting the boundary is lower, and is more limited to the actual person and event at hand. No old stuff. No pent up stuff.
That's the aim at least.
Note that there is NOT an absence of fear. There needs to be faith and/or bravery.
I ran this one by my wife (she does not suffer the same Nice problem as I) and she re-inforced what I already knew I wanted to do.
So now I am anxious awaiting the outcome of having told my truth!
All the best, Peter
I recognize this as a cycle. As least a cycle since I've become conscious enough to start setting boundaries over a decade ago. It goes like this:
1) Feel the pressure/dislike of their request/violation
2) Get brave
3) Set my boundary firmly and directly
4) Get nervous and wait for the sh*t to hit the fan
5) A response happens
6) I recalibrate my thinking and integrate the new result
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
All of those steps gets more fine-tuned, quicker, and more direct each time. I think they are also "cleaner" for want of a better word. That is - my emotional reactivity in setting the boundary is lower, and is more limited to the actual person and event at hand. No old stuff. No pent up stuff.
That's the aim at least.
Note that there is NOT an absence of fear. There needs to be faith and/or bravery.
I ran this one by my wife (she does not suffer the same Nice problem as I) and she re-inforced what I already knew I wanted to do.
So now I am anxious awaiting the outcome of having told my truth!
All the best, Peter
Monday, January 9, 2012
That TED Video on Vulnerability (You Need to Watch It)
Dear Fellow Nice Guys,
I call this meeting of Nice Guys Anonymous to order. Please stop fighting over who is giving up the good seats to who. You can apologize later :-)
OK, tonight we'll be watching a short (20-minute) movie. It's called The Power of Vulnerability: a TED Talk by Brene Brown. In it, Brene Brown (she's a social worker with way too much education) studied people who are happy and connected. And this is what she found - it all hinged on vulnerability.
This both floored me (for it's simplicity) and rang absolutely true at the same time. It was instinctively obvious.
Her definition of vulnerability included the courage to be imperfect; the compassion to be kind (to self first, and then to others); and, connection as a result of authenticity.
And it was her view that this all hinged on our view of our own worthiness - did we think we were worthy of love and affection and acceptance even though we are flawed, imperfect human beings.
Well, my friends, I know that what I've always wanted was true connection. It's the drug my body craves. And that the counter-forces we often face (she names them as shame, fear, and lack of worthiness) keep us from experiencing it.
It is my belief, from 45 years on this planet, that she has gotten this right.
So I say to you - watch this video!!! And know that you are worthy, that you are lovable, likable, acceptable, even in your current state. This is the essence of grace.
I truly wish you all the best, yours, Peter
Therapist for Nice Guys
I call this meeting of Nice Guys Anonymous to order. Please stop fighting over who is giving up the good seats to who. You can apologize later :-)
OK, tonight we'll be watching a short (20-minute) movie. It's called The Power of Vulnerability: a TED Talk by Brene Brown. In it, Brene Brown (she's a social worker with way too much education) studied people who are happy and connected. And this is what she found - it all hinged on vulnerability.
This both floored me (for it's simplicity) and rang absolutely true at the same time. It was instinctively obvious.
Her definition of vulnerability included the courage to be imperfect; the compassion to be kind (to self first, and then to others); and, connection as a result of authenticity.
And it was her view that this all hinged on our view of our own worthiness - did we think we were worthy of love and affection and acceptance even though we are flawed, imperfect human beings.
Well, my friends, I know that what I've always wanted was true connection. It's the drug my body craves. And that the counter-forces we often face (she names them as shame, fear, and lack of worthiness) keep us from experiencing it.
It is my belief, from 45 years on this planet, that she has gotten this right.
So I say to you - watch this video!!! And know that you are worthy, that you are lovable, likable, acceptable, even in your current state. This is the essence of grace.
I truly wish you all the best, yours, Peter
Therapist for Nice Guys
Monday, August 8, 2011
A Poem for the Nice Guys
Hi everyone,
I'm pretty open that I work with people on this journey because it's my journey, too. I'm coming back around to some old stuff from a higher level (we call it the Spiral Path, where you come back around to things, with more skills, tools and perspective) and this poem is a result. I'll stop over-talking and just let the poem speak for itself. I wish you all the best, Peter
No Need
I am No-Need.
I have No Name.
I am without Want
Or Feeling.
Don't worry about me.
I live to Serve.
Serving without Need.
If you have no Needs,
What am I, then?
I am Not.
I am Nothing.
For I have No Role or Use.
I am Obliviated.
And in the Nothingness,
I may feel my own Feelings,
And want my own Wants.
And, for the first time, know my own Name.
I'm pretty open that I work with people on this journey because it's my journey, too. I'm coming back around to some old stuff from a higher level (we call it the Spiral Path, where you come back around to things, with more skills, tools and perspective) and this poem is a result. I'll stop over-talking and just let the poem speak for itself. I wish you all the best, Peter
No Need
I am No-Need.
I have No Name.
I am without Want
Or Feeling.
Don't worry about me.
I live to Serve.
Serving without Need.
If you have no Needs,
What am I, then?
I am Not.
I am Nothing.
For I have No Role or Use.
I am Obliviated.
And in the Nothingness,
I may feel my own Feelings,
And want my own Wants.
And, for the first time, know my own Name.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Nice Guys and Exoskeletons
It came to me today, that I, like many Nice Guys I know, have developed exoskeletons over the years.
What do I mean by that?
Well, I was thinking about the habits, skills and strategies I have picked up along the way (since, perhaps the beginning of high school). I was a pretty sensitive kid, a smart one, and a little chubby. Ah, what a great way to go through junior high!
Anyways, I realized that I learned some things from then on in. I learned how to dress. I learned how to walk with purpose. I learned how to fake it. I learned how to be social. I learned how to be funny. I learned how to read people's emotions, and what they needed.
All of these acted as a shield, as a protectant. They were, in short, an exoskeleton. They protected me and kept me safe inside.
The downside was that the strengthening inside that shell was slow, since it wasn't really needed to get by in life. Inside that shell, I remained fairly young and sensitive. Also, it interfered with my *real* contact with other people. They were interacting with the image of me, not often the *real* me. Hell, I didn't let anybody get close to that.
It's been the work of my adulthood (actually, since starting my journey to this career when I was 32) to start to develop the insides and actually let it out to connect and interact. Now, at 45, I feel much freer - more real and sincere and authentic. Being the dad of a toddler has helped too, as my little guy is nothing if not true to himself, and I find dad's are allowed to be soft and silly in a way younger men really aren't in this culture.
OK, that's all from here today. I wish you all the best - from the real me to the real you.
Best, Peter
Counseling for Nice Guys to be More Authentic
What do I mean by that?
Well, I was thinking about the habits, skills and strategies I have picked up along the way (since, perhaps the beginning of high school). I was a pretty sensitive kid, a smart one, and a little chubby. Ah, what a great way to go through junior high!
Anyways, I realized that I learned some things from then on in. I learned how to dress. I learned how to walk with purpose. I learned how to fake it. I learned how to be social. I learned how to be funny. I learned how to read people's emotions, and what they needed.
All of these acted as a shield, as a protectant. They were, in short, an exoskeleton. They protected me and kept me safe inside.
The downside was that the strengthening inside that shell was slow, since it wasn't really needed to get by in life. Inside that shell, I remained fairly young and sensitive. Also, it interfered with my *real* contact with other people. They were interacting with the image of me, not often the *real* me. Hell, I didn't let anybody get close to that.
It's been the work of my adulthood (actually, since starting my journey to this career when I was 32) to start to develop the insides and actually let it out to connect and interact. Now, at 45, I feel much freer - more real and sincere and authentic. Being the dad of a toddler has helped too, as my little guy is nothing if not true to himself, and I find dad's are allowed to be soft and silly in a way younger men really aren't in this culture.
OK, that's all from here today. I wish you all the best - from the real me to the real you.
Best, Peter
Counseling for Nice Guys to be More Authentic
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