tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-84798223787344320512024-03-13T02:36:57.984-07:00The Nice Guy CoachPeter Hannah MA LMHC is the Nice Guy Coach - a Seattle-based psychotherapist who specializes in helping other Nice Guys & People Pleasers like himself become strong men who can ask for what they want in life.pehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.comBlogger41125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8479822378734432051.post-35726058147276892072017-07-21T08:29:00.004-07:002017-07-21T08:29:57.893-07:00Free Men's Workshop Coming August 5th to Lake Forest Park<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhycwXwBLci0r9ZoWR1cCZFQKrNlYbJyH0hcqLaMlrH5xUgkTle5NfPuYy9tFBIbqwOXc-6roq8pNihmW2ZS_ZcA9AnNWWlOpYR7U5DagrEIAjV2c1CyGV8P1H7MwzI2Sxi2LGt2z4Sw28/s1600/Circle-of-Men-Flyer-August-.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="792" data-original-width="612" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhycwXwBLci0r9ZoWR1cCZFQKrNlYbJyH0hcqLaMlrH5xUgkTle5NfPuYy9tFBIbqwOXc-6roq8pNihmW2ZS_ZcA9AnNWWlOpYR7U5DagrEIAjV2c1CyGV8P1H7MwzI2Sxi2LGt2z4Sw28/s1600/Circle-of-Men-Flyer-August-.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />pehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8479822378734432051.post-18416149395937520442016-11-03T10:43:00.003-07:002016-11-03T10:55:17.940-07:00The Cubs, Sports, and a Rare Spot Where Men Get To Show Emotion & AffectionI was one of millions of people glued to my TV last night, watching the Chicago Cubs break their curse, and win the World Series in a dramatic Game 7.<br />
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I love watching championship games of all sports - there is something so moving about all the emotion I see flowing between the teammates (on both the winning AND losing sides).<br />
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And so it was last night.<br />
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The Cubs players first jumped for joy (literally), fists flying in the air, bouncing towards each other. They hugged. They embraced.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFDF2vQV8GQkVz_TfoFQIkyNuWte5FW34nHb7Iphp3Sn5ISBeNjIRL3iW4nF7xl3vMxK5jo5fyMu1OL6I5ZBG2FyLViOszuG7o_WNSY5PuWX-_g9DJ7pz1dAYPjeaQg4fne7VWYuGFFh4/s1600/hug.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFDF2vQV8GQkVz_TfoFQIkyNuWte5FW34nHb7Iphp3Sn5ISBeNjIRL3iW4nF7xl3vMxK5jo5fyMu1OL6I5ZBG2FyLViOszuG7o_WNSY5PuWX-_g9DJ7pz1dAYPjeaQg4fne7VWYuGFFh4/s320/hug.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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For some they smiled and yelled. For some, it was tears - of joy or relief or the release of tension after holding it together.<br />
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And as the minutes went by, many more long hugs with tears in eyes. It was marvelous.<br />
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I've watched the other sides reactions, too (though the camera didn't spend time there last night). There is usually disbelief, and tears of sadness. I've watched players hold, hug and console each other as they grieve the loss of something they invested so much in.<br />
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I point at this because these displays - of emotion and vulnerability (other than anger), of comforting and affection (of each other) - are rarely seen in the male world. The informal norms and rules this culture has do not tend to allow it. And that's a pity, because under the stoic surface, men are far more alive than you'd think from looking at them. They grieve, they fear, they wonder, they hurt. they wish to be closer to each other but often don't know how to, or whether it would be OK with the other guy.<br />
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I have seen places other than sports this all does happen (my men's work with <a href="http://www.mkp.org/" target="_blank">The ManKind Project</a> at The New Warrior Training Adventure), but those seem the exception in this culture.<br />
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Perhaps it is the bond long-formed, the camaraderie, the fight fought together that allows it out. I'll keep pondering that. But for today (tired myself after riding the rollercoaster of emotions with both teams), I want to say it's a wonderful thing to see. And I'm glad so many people got to see it, too.pehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8479822378734432051.post-73483866290244373062016-09-13T10:17:00.000-07:002016-09-13T10:17:36.449-07:00How I Got Over My Allergy to Men's Work: An Ode to the Mankind ProjectI have a confession to make - through my first 12 years of being a psychotherapist in Seattle, I had assiduously avoided "men's work". I'd say I had an allergy to it.<br />
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See I figured men's work either meant a bunch of guys with ponytails and Birkenstocks banging drums in the woods and integrating being all soft with each other, or it meant a bunch of muy-macho guys yelling at me and trying to make me tough.<br />
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Neither prospect was appealing. In fact both bothered the heck out of me.<br />
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I knew already that I had aspects of both. I could be loving, kind, sensitive and compassionate. I could also be angry, competitive, sarcastic and lustful too. I couldn't fathom a place that would understand both.<br />
<br />
But a few men I respected mentioned this group called the <a href="http://mankindproject.org/" target="_blank">Mankind Project</a> and I was like "<b>nope, nuh-uh, not for me, thanks.</b>"<br />
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Then, well, I got desperate. After two years in what I would describe as a swamp (emotional, physically, financially, professionally), and trying all sorts of things I never thought I would try (to no avail) - the universe got its message across to me. I signed up for the <a href="http://mankindproject.org/" target="_blank">Mankind Project's</a> initial training, <a href="http://mankindproject.org/new-warrior-training-adventure" target="_blank">the New Warrior Training Adventure</a> (or NWTA for short).<br />
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So this is where the story will get a bit mysterious - because it has to be. The training is experiential, and is an initiation of sorts - so what actually goes on there is meant to stay secret, and I am going to respect that.<br />
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But I can and will tell you this. It worked. It brought me back to life. It re-filled my energy and got me back on my mission and purpose.<br />
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I, a guy who had usually been more comfortable around women, came back feeling more connected to men than I ever had in my life. And more assured that I am a full-fledged man, equal to any man I meet (if different in our own ways), and confident in the contrast I am to the divine feminine.<br />
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I came back more integrated, finally feeling "grown up" at 49 years old.<br />
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That was in November of last year (2015). I've waited a while to write this, wanting to do my due diligence about the group (they're good), see if the effects lasted (they have), and to let my passion settle in so as not to sell, proselytize, or sound like I drank some testosterone-laced Kool Aid.<br />
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But having just come back from staffing my first NWTA, and seeing once again the healing, energizing, freeing effects on the men who came there, I had to finally write and share this with you all.<br />
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See, I am a psychotherapist. Healing emotional wounds is my calling and mission and passion. I love what I do and love continuing to learn. And I have to admit there are limits to what I can do in a therapy hour in a professional office setting.<br />
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Some wounds need more time and space and dedicated focus to heal. Some need a group of strong, diverse men holding the container and ready to help. Some need the distance from family and work and to-do's of the house.<br />
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Some need the NWTA.<br />
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Sincerely, Peter Hannah<br />
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<br />pehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8479822378734432051.post-56556348885386229562016-02-04T09:49:00.000-08:002016-02-04T09:50:29.934-08:00Dear Nice Guys - Your Silences Will Not Protect YouOne of the things I actually find useful in social media and some of the email lists I am subscribed to is that other thinkers and healers and speakers connect me up with some GREAT wisdom that I might not have otherwise seen.<br />
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An<span style="font-family: inherit;">d so i</span>t is today. This came to me from a well-known therapist, author and speaker, Bill <span style="font-family: inherit;">O'Hanlon. (Follow him on Twitter <complete id="goog_1935798719">@POSSIBILL)</complete></span><br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px;">
<span style="font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; text-decoration: inherit;"><span class="" style="font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; text-decoration: inherit;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="margin: 0px; outline: none; padding: 0px;">"I
was going to die sooner or later, whether or not I had ever spoken
myself. My silences had not protected me. Your silences will not protect
you. What are the words you do not yet have? What are the tyrannies you
swallow day by day and attempt to make your own, until you sicken and
die of them, still in silence? We have been socialized to respect fear
more than our own need for language."</span> – Audre Lorde, after she was diagnosed with breast cancer</span></span></span></blockquote>
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Oh, my fellow Nice Guys and People Pleasers, that one hits me square in the chest. How many things I have left unspoken. How many times I have stayed silent.<br />
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I get better at speaking my truth every year, but it is a journey. I hope this quote gives you some motivation to speak just a little more of your truth.<br />
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I wish you the best, Peter<br />
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pehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8479822378734432051.post-56212295682499757062016-01-01T12:12:00.003-08:002016-01-01T12:12:55.348-08:00Happy New Year & Intentions for 2016 from the Nice Guy Coach!Hello, and Happy New Year!<br />
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I don't do resolutions, and haven't for a long time. They seem to be all about hard work and doing things I don't really want to do, but feel like I<b><i> should</i></b> do. Feh.<br />
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I do set Intentions, though. These are positive visions and affirmations for what I wish to experience over the coming year. They are what I <b><i>want to</i></b> be experiencing, not what I think I ought to do. That makes a huge difference.<br />
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They are also things that I can come back to if I miss a day. Unlike resolutions ("I will not eat any candy!" would be an apt one for me), I can be off on them for a day or even a week and come back to them. They talk about the process and the journey, not a goal that I don't get to have until after I do all the hard work.<br />
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So for you, and for me (a recovering Nice Guy), I'll share these intentions for 2016:<br />
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* I intend to share my truth more bravely, and to more people<br />
* I intend to know and speak my feelings more fully<br />
* I intend to show up authentically as much as I can<br />
* I intend to take action toward what I want<br />
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I thought as I started this I would have a longer list, but those four are so powerful, and cover so much ground, I think that's a great place to leave it. And having FOUR intentions, rather than a laundry list, will allow me to focus more on those, and have a greater impact.<br />
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By the way, just writing this post is part of that first intention for me. Instead of wondering "what will people think", I am writing this post to you.<br />
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I wish you a happy and healthy year!<br />
Sincerely, Peter Hannah MA LMHCpehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8479822378734432051.post-212015988012752172015-07-17T14:29:00.003-07:002015-07-17T14:29:42.194-07:00A Resource for the Nice Girls of the WorldIn my counseling practice, I've worked with both male and female "People Pleasers", and noted there are some real differences in how they show up as "too nice" in the world.<div>
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I've also realized that as a man, I have special insight and experience that can help the Nice Guys of the world.</div>
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I just ran across a website, with some good podcasts, of a great Seattle therapist named Sue Bates, which I think could be a resource for the Nice Girls of the world, so I thought I would share it with you: <a href="http://www.asksuebates.com/">http://www.asksuebates.com/</a></div>
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What other Nice Guy and Nice Girl resources have *you* run into out there? Leave them in the comments!</div>
pehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8479822378734432051.post-75848381177125373282015-07-08T10:52:00.003-07:002015-07-08T10:52:32.447-07:00Nice Guy Dating Tips #5 and #6. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFPwjGPIap2Q2CcWbPhRDXH6qV3H1LGCm4UoVpo2nPaxfsZjtRNq1mlisdAHAcTazaJBuVLAPyexIE3n6HHLdabuRWmMJKFJl5s5xiSWlww9heEZLnjagIdgkG4-fHP5PUDZ4iWBLow9Y/s1600/5.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFPwjGPIap2Q2CcWbPhRDXH6qV3H1LGCm4UoVpo2nPaxfsZjtRNq1mlisdAHAcTazaJBuVLAPyexIE3n6HHLdabuRWmMJKFJl5s5xiSWlww9heEZLnjagIdgkG4-fHP5PUDZ4iWBLow9Y/s320/5.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br />pehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8479822378734432051.post-60817333291020396292015-07-06T10:34:00.000-07:002015-07-06T10:34:02.275-07:00Dating Tips #3 and #4<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />pehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8479822378734432051.post-80205663043168285822015-07-01T10:49:00.001-07:002015-07-01T10:49:32.690-07:00Dating Tips for Nice Guys #1 and #2Hi all,<br />
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I've created 30 Dating Tips for Nice Guys - I find "dating" is really one of the weakest points for Nice Guys, as they much prefer secure, exclusive relationships. You'll hopefully see these around social media, and I'll be posting them throughout the summer. Not sure if I'll make an e-book out of this or not yet. But the tips themselves should be helpful and concise. Take care! Peter<br />
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<br />pehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8479822378734432051.post-17865258488437158882014-10-29T11:13:00.000-07:002014-10-29T11:20:06.005-07:00Conclusions & Confessions - a Month into my Facebook Fast<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
I am four full weeks into my Facebook Fast (<a href="http://theniceguycoach.blogspot.com/2014/10/why-im-on-facebook-fast.html">"Why I Did It" is posted here </a>- <a href="http://theniceguycoach.blogspot.com/2014/10/lessons-learned-two-weeks-into-my.html">"2 Weeks In" is posted here</a>).<br />
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The addictive, habitual power of checking FB on my smartphone and iPad, and whatever neurochemicals it kicks off, are nearly gone. I don't long for it or jones for it (like, say sugar, or diet pepsi when I have fasted from them).<br />
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I do, though, see more clearly how life has changed in the era of Facebook. From the perspective of being off of it...<br />
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<b>I am definitely missing out on social news and events</b>. Things are happening, parties being thrown, that I am not privy to. I do have a little bit of FOMO on this front. This goes to my point in my last post that Facebook has truly reached a ubiquity/utility status. We have long passed the tipping point.<br />
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<b>I am the odd one now for not being on Facebook. </b>When I talk about it at parties, some people find it odd, or project their anxiety if they were off it, or might feel I am being "holier than thou" like a vegan Crossfitting triathlete. I assure you I am not holier than anyone. Just, perhaps, more sensitive.<br />
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<b>It is definitely forcing me to communicate more consciously and directly. </b>I cannot just blast out news for everyone to see. I must overcome my shyness and avoidance (and holy sh*t can I be avoidant at times) and communicate. It's good discipline, though. I have written more one-to-one emails than in a long time, had several lunches and dinners to reconnect, and even wrote a hand-written letter (Hi JS!). To do this, I must actually value the goal of the communication enough to do it. There is no way to just blast off everything I am doing to the masses.<br />
<br />
I titled this post as Conclusions and Confessions. That was the conclusions, here are the confessions.<br />
<br />
<b>I paid a LOT of attention to how many Like and Comments my posts got. </b>Silly how valuable that currency can feel, but I know I felt it. I could feel poorly if no one Liked or Commented. I could feel great if many people did. I will guess I am not alone here.<br />
<br />
<b>I thought a LOT about whether to post something or not. </b>As most of you know, I'm the <a href="http://www.changingforgood.com/niceguys.htm">"Nice Guy Therapist" here in Seattle,</a> and it's been something I've been in recovery for for a long time. I spend too much time thinking about my impact on others. So imagine how much mental gymnastics I had to go through to decide not only what to post. How would it negatively impact certain people? How would it positively impact certain people? Since I have basically my full social circle on Facebook, this includes Democrats and Republicans, liberals and conservatives, religious folks and atheists. It certainly got me to limit what I shared. My 5-year old son seemed to be a place no one could argue with.<br />
<br />
<b>I was spending a LOT of time worrying about things beyond my control, and which did not impact my life directly. </b>I feel horrible for the suffering and problems all over the world, but I didn't realize it was taking time and attention away from me, my own spiritual work, reading books, playing with my son, cleaning my house, thinking about how to improve my own health, or focusing on my family's financial well-being. There was a paralysis of having my attention turned constantly from one thing to the next.<br />
<br />
<b>I was slowly narrowing down who I saw anyway. </b>To survive on Facebook, I was doing what I think most people do - I was starting to block certain voices. I couldn't start the arguments, or constant negativity, or quite frankly, <b>constant positivity! </b>When things didn't feel hunky dory in my normal human life, it was hard for me to celebrate those who seemed, well a bit over the top. Facebook knows this echo chamber exists, and it doubles down on it by displaying ads and sponsored posts that correlate to your friends. Very right-wing? You'll get lots of content you agree with. Very liberal? You'll get things you agree with, too. This narrowing merely means the chance for our opinions, minds and souls to change and grow are limited.<br />
<br />
Facebook is thus becoming the same post-modern subject individual world that Don Miguel Ruiz describes as our "mitote" in his book The Four Agreements.<br />
<br />
Anyway, that feels like enough transparency for one day. Soul-searching and confession is hard work.<br />
<br />
I would love to hear how Facebook has changed you and your life and relationships, too.<br />
<br />
<br />pehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8479822378734432051.post-48747127974304692592014-10-14T11:28:00.002-07:002014-10-14T11:39:47.651-07:00Lessons Learned Two Weeks Into my Facebook FastSo it's been about two weeks since I <a href="http://theniceguycoach.blogspot.com/2014/10/why-im-on-facebook-fast.html">started my Facebook Fast</a> and I'm back to report on the experience.<br />
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<br />
<br />
The first thing I can tell you is <b>Facebook + Smartphone = very addictive habit.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
Holy moly, I did not realize how I had subtly become one of those people who pulls out his phone everytime there is more than 2 seconds to kill. The number one thing I have realized through this break is how pervasive and unconscious the habit was. If I hadn't taken the app off of my iPad and my smartphone I would not have been able to do this.<br />
<br />
In line at Starbucks, during commercials on a TV show, in (<i>sorry</i>) the bathroom - there were so many times when "just gonna check Facebook for a second" would go through my mind - because it had filled in all the cracks of my time.<br />
<br />
The second thing I have learned is <b>Facebook is a medium of indirect and passive communication.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
What do I mean? Well, you may not know this about me, but I can be a little shy. No, really. When I need something, or want something, or am upset with someone, I get incredibly anxious about communicating it (hence I know so much about Nice Guys and People Pleasers).<br />
<br />
Want some emotional support? Simply write "Feeling so sad today" and people will jump out "Why?" "What's wrong?" "How can I help?"<br />
<br />
Want to indirectly call out someone? Simply write something starting like "When will *some* people grow up and get past the drama???"<br />
<br />
This passivity and indirectness wastes a lot of time and energy, in my experience.<br />
<br />
The third thing I have noticed is <b>I think in Facebook posts now.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
When I have a bon mot, or a funny thought, it's "this will be great to post!". Kid doing something cute? "Post it!" Amazing sunset? "Post a pic!". My brain actually processes my life through the lens of Facebook.<br />
<br />
Do you get how profound that impact is? We can as human beings choose the lens we look at our experiences through. A more spiritual one might be to look for Love in this moment, or to find the beauty, or Spirit in it. Or to "be here now" to steal from Ram Dass. But no, I am looking at every thought and moment thinking "Facebook worthy?".<br />
<br />
The fourth thing I have realized is <b>Facebook has achieved ubiquity and utility status.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
I have missed some social news. I have missed some invitations and events. I have realized I don't have active email and snail mail addresses for all my friends anymore. Why? Because of course I could rely on Facebook. "Everyone is there." Right? Well, not at the moment.<br />
<br />
I know there's been a lot of controversy about the Facebook Messenger App. I can see it more clearly now. If you can become the utility underlying all social communications you pretty much rule the world. Pretty insane to think how quickly this has all come about.<br />
<br />
Finally, in two weeks off <b>I feel like I have a great deal more of my mind back.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
By that I mean, I realize I was spending a huge amount of my brain power thinking not only about who knew what about MY life, but tracking the lives of several hundred people. SEVERAL HUNDRED!<br />
<br />
I'm a psychotherapist by trade, and remember my supervisor (the amazing Alexandra Onno) once saying (in regards to our work) - "That's a lot of psyches to hold space for". And that was just about 25-30 clients a week. <a href="http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2014/02/03/6-new-facts-about-facebook/">Not the 338 people, which is the average number of Facebook friends</a> a person has according to recent research.<br />
<br />
There is space now for other things - reading books, exercising, talking with my wife, praying, meditating, just being in the moment!<br />
<br />
I encourage anyone out there to<b> try this, just as an experiment. </b>I'd love to hear your experiences, too.<br />
<br />
My best to you,<br />
<a href="http://www.changingforgood.com/">Peter Hannah MA LMHC</a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />pehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8479822378734432051.post-85715680808613176202014-10-07T11:36:00.004-07:002014-10-07T11:36:55.980-07:00My Facebook Fast - the Fascinating Response from FriendsSo I am about a week into my Facebook fast. I'll be writing about some of my experiences with it in a future blog post.<br />
<br />
But the thing I wanted to share quickly was a response I got from a half a dozen friends - the SAME thing - when I posted that I was going offline (from FB at least).<br />
<br />
"Are you OK?"<br />
<br />
They were sincerely worried. I guess in this day and age, removing yourself from the electronic town square (and announcing you are doing so) must seem worrisome.<br />
<br />
I <b>am</b> OK, by the way, but I am definitely wanting to see more clearly the impact of Facebook on my life, my mood, my habits, my productivity, my marriage - everything. And the only way I know how to do that is by stepping away from it fully for a while.<br />
<br />
Anyone else tried a Facebook fast?<br />
<br />
<br />pehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8479822378734432051.post-34526593791881343002014-10-07T11:31:00.002-07:002014-10-07T11:31:13.501-07:00"I Don't" as an Optimal Way For Saying "No"!I was bowled over this morning reading a <a href="http://www.businessinsider.com/surprising-ways-to-be-incredibly-happy-2014-9">great article in Business Insider</a> that held a good tool for the Nice Guys and the People Pleasers of the world. It was an approach to saying No and turning down requests I hadn't thought of before.<br />
<br />
Here's the pertinent piece of the article:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<h3 style="font-family: FaktConPro-SemiBold, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 24.5px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.3em; margin: 10px 0px; text-rendering: optimizelegibility;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.1999998092651px; line-height: 20px;">Overworked and overburdened is a recipe for unhappiness. So if you want to be happy, get some quick wins by saying no.</span></h3>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.1999998092651px; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;">
But say no the right way: say "I don't." Believe it or not, using the phrase "I don't" is up to eight times more effective than saying "I can't." It's more than doubly effective versus a simple no.</div>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.1999998092651px; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;">
The Journal of Consumer Research ran a number of studies on this difference in terminology. One of the studies split participants into three groups:</div>
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<li><strong>Group 1</strong> was told that anytime they felt tempted to lapse on their goals, they should <em>"just say no."</em> This group was the control group, because they were given no specific strategy.</li>
<li><strong>Group 2</strong> was told that anytime they felt tempted to lapse on their goals, they should implement the "can't" strategy. For example, <em>"I can't miss my workout today."</em></li>
<li><strong>Group 3</strong> was told that anytime they felt tempted to lapse on their goals, they should implement the "don't" strategy. For example, <em>"I don't miss workouts."</em></li>
</ul>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.1999998092651px; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;">
And the results:</div>
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<li>Group 1 (the "just say no" group) had <em>3 out of 10 members </em>stick with their goals for the entire 10 days.</li>
<li>Group 2 (the "can't" group) had <em>1 out of 10 members</em> stick with her goal for the entire 10 days.</li>
<li>Group 3 (the "don't" group) had an incredible <em>8 out of 10 members</em> stick with their goals for the entire 10 days.</li>
</ul>
<div style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15.1999998092651px; line-height: 20px; margin-bottom: 10px;">
<br /></div>
</blockquote>
<br />
What do *you* think?<br />
<br />
Take care, Peter<br />
pehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8479822378734432051.post-60611979693763669132014-10-02T09:23:00.001-07:002014-10-02T09:23:41.876-07:00Why I'm on a Facebook FastThe concept of doing technology "fasts" or "breaks" has interested me for a while.<br />
<br />
I think taking time off from something - whether it's news, video games, porn, or social media - can be a good way of understanding what impact that usage is <b>really</b> having on you.<br />
<br />
So two days ago I entered my second ever Facebook Fast.<br />
<br />
It's pretty simple - I wiped the Facebook app from my Android phone and my iPad. I swapped in a profile photo that says "ON A FACEBOOK BREAK - CALL OR EMAIL ME".<br />
<br />
Why did I do it? Here's my personal thoughts and experiences on Facebook's impact on me and my happiness:<br />
<br />
#1) Facebook made me unhappy through comparing my life to other's lives. Well, not really my life to their actual lives. My life to their carefully curated highlights. I call it "Facebook Envy". Articles about this have been coming out for a while, from the <a href="http://healthland.time.com/2013/01/24/why-facebook-makes-you-feel-bad-about-yourself/">Time magazine</a>, to <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/media-spotlight/201308/singing-the-facebook-blues">Psychology Today</a>, to the <a href="http://www.newyorker.com/tech/elements/how-facebook-makes-us-unhappy">New Yorker.</a><br />
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<br />
#2) Facebook made me unhappy through focus on the many, many things in the world that we should be fighting for (or against). I call this particular one "Outrage Fatigue", and it may be related to being a liberal psychotherapist in Seattle. In any one day, I may see posts linking to articles, videos, petitions and fundraisers to fight Monsanto, global warming, racism, sexism, war in the Middle East, a teen dying of cancer, GMO's, the honeybees dying, homelessness, and more.<br />
<br />
Each one trying to cut through the torrent of information to get my attention (and probably time, energy and money, too).<br />
<br />
I'm tired. Tired of over-focusing on the bad. I could probably really focus on one (I have a friend who has focused all her energies on gun control, for instance, to great effect) but the constant whipsawing leaves me sad and overwhelmed.<br />
<br />
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<br />
#3) Facebook has made me unhappy through.....<b>isolation! </b>I know, that one seems counter-intuitive, but hear me out. I have seen the pattern play out more and more lately. While I *know* more information about my friends and what they are doing, I think I see them less. And when I do, there seems to be less to talk about. There are no surprises anymore.<br />
<br />
I hear that this is impacting high school reunions, as people get together and the news they would have shared is already shared. Even with people they haven't seen in person in years. It takes some of the impetus and drive away from actually getting together in person!<br />
<br />
I'm focusing on seeing more friends in person, and writing letters during this Facebook Fast.<br />
<br />
#4) Facebook has made me unhappy by being a huge time-suck. It was famous for being the most "sticky" website ever. It truly is. One can be on it for a looooooooooooong time each visit, if you care enough, or have nothing else pressing, The problem is, it fills in time (and takes will and impetus) that might be better used for, say, blogging, or exercising, or something else creative (rather than consumptive).<br />
<br />
I've already gotten more done in these two days than is average for me in a week. Crazy.<br />
<br />
Finally #5) My Facebook use had me *way* more <b>un-present</b> in those typical weeknight evenings with my wife, We're married with a kindergartener, and if you're a parent you probably know the drill - homework, dinner, bathtime, books, bed. Followed by two tired parents on the couch watching TV. At least in the past we'd be half-focused on TV and able to chat, comment, talk, backrub, etc. But with the iPad and smartphones running Facebook, we looked more like teenagers.<br />
<br />
Instead, last night we watched a whole movie ("Fault in Our Stars", BTW) with no checking for the whole 2 hours. What a nice experience!<br />
<br />
Well, that's it for now. I will blog about the experience of being off of Facebook and what other impacts I see.pehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8479822378734432051.post-13579362571862084362014-09-30T10:54:00.000-07:002014-10-08T09:42:01.860-07:00Therapy - The Last Private Place?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I may be getting older, but I may also be getting wiser (not sure, depends on the day). But as I look at all the vast changes in our lives from technology, I start to think of how special and unique the therapy office is really becoming.<br />
<br />
Soon, it may be one of the only places where....<br />
<br />
* you are not recorded<br />
* you are not surveilled<br />
* you are not multitasking<br />
* you are not marketed at<br />
* you are not connected to some kind of screen<br />
* you are not interrupted<br />
* you are not Tweeting, Facebooking, Instagraming, or taking a selfie<br />
* your reality is not intermediated or "enhanced"<br />
<br />
I think, like<a href="http://spiritualityhealth.com/articles/extinction-quiet"> the extinction of quiet</a>, this extinction of privacy will have more negative effects on us than we think.<br />
<br />
I am glad to offer a place where we will sit in just our humanness, just in the moment with each other.<br />
<br />
Sincerely, Peter<br />
<br />pehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8479822378734432051.post-6507740191752018342014-09-12T10:39:00.000-07:002014-09-12T10:39:07.937-07:00The Parenting Triathalon - In the First TransitionToday is the first Friday of the first full week of all-day kindergarten for my son. And I cannot believe what a huge difference it has already made - to me and my wife!<br />
<br />
After 5 1/2 years of mostly having him at home (with some co-op preschool, 3 hours - 3 days/week) we actually have some time to think, breathe, and, well, do whatever we want!<br />
<br />
I hadn't quite realized what we had been immersed in since our son's arrival. Other parents told me we were about to hit a "golden time", followed by another challenging period, but I didn't get it.<br />
<br />
Now I get it - parenting is a TRIATHALON.<br />
<br />
The first part is the swim. It's full immersion. Dive right in. You're dry, then you're wet. You can't really stop. You often feel like you're going to drown. You sometimes get kicked in the face by the other participants. And then, after 5-6 years, it's finally over!<br />
<br />
We are in that transition now, pulling off the cold, wet swimsuit. Toweling off. Putting on dry clothes (real triathaletes are now sensing I have never actually competed in one of these!) and getting ready for the bike.<br />
<br />
The bike. Biking can be fun! We did it as kids. You can stop if you need to. Go slow or fast. You still have some energy left to do it.<br />
<br />
And that is this middle portion of parenting, when hopefully the problems are ones you remember having yourself, that aren't so serious or heart-breaking or death-defying. Elementary school kids, still with some sweetness and innocence.<br />
<br />
Reports from parents ahead of me is that this portion of the race will go til about age 11 or 12, followed by the knee-pounding, not-so-fun marathon to finish the race. I'm sure you teen and tween parents could give me many lessons about that. I will await the wisdom of those that have gone ahead.<br />
<br />
But to finish, I'll say this - if your kids are in pre-school, keep moving forward! Don't give up. Have hope. Things will change, in a good way, soon!<br />
<br />
Best, Peterpehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8479822378734432051.post-91071368330725655222013-03-07T11:37:00.003-08:002013-03-07T11:37:47.925-08:00This is Your Brain on Internet PornHey guys,<br />
<br />
I have to tell you this first. I am not Puritanical. I like sex. I love women. I like porn.<br />
<br />
But I have wondered, at age 46, what it would have been like to have unlimited Internet porn as a teenager, rather than the rag-tag underground railroad of magazines that we had back then. Would there be any effect on us?<br />
<br />
This video is eye-opening. Again, not about moralism, but just about the neurological and sociological experiments we are doing to ourselves.<br />
<br />
If you have a teen son (or soon to be teen son), I urge you to watch it.<br />
<br />
http://www.upworthy.com/this-is-what-happens-when-kids-grow-up-on-unlimited-access-to-pornography?g=2<br />
<br />
Sincerely, Peter Hannah MA LMHCpehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8479822378734432051.post-11051464778684620152013-01-15T19:59:00.003-08:002013-01-15T19:59:43.609-08:00Men, Depression, and The BossHi everyone,<br />
<br />
This post isn't just for the nice guys out there, heck it's not just even for guys. It's for anyone who is living with depression - either in themselves or someone they love.<br />
<br />
I think as a man, I often used to equate depression with the feminine. It was just about being sad, blue, teary.<br />
<br />
I've certainly known men (both in therapy, and my outside life), who viewed being depressed as a character flaw of a sign of weakness.<br />
<br />
That's why I am writing this blog post.<br />
<br />
I was reading tonight when I found out one of my heroes, Bruce Springsteen, <a href="http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/features/2013/0115/1224328845057.html">has fought a long battle with depression, has seen a therapist since 1982, and been on anti-depressants for almost a decade.</a><br />
<br />
For me, Bruce has always been a mythical male figure - the poet warrior - fighting, driving, drinking, wooing women, pondering life and it's pain. To read about him and his father moved me.<br />
<br />
It also reminded me of a list I have kept in my head, of other men - men we'd all look up to as "manly men" who are finally opening up about their battles with depression. Men such as....<br />
<br />
Terry Bradshaw - the Steelers QB and now Fox football commentator has gone public with his battles with depression. I saw him interviewed once where he described winning the Superbowl and feeling....nothing.<br />
<br />
Buzz Aldrin - he was the second man to walk on the moon. Astronauts tended to "the best and the brightest" and Buzz was one of them, a fighter pilot who served in Korea.<br />
<br />
Jerry West - the man whose silhouette IS the logo of the NBA.<br />
<br />
Musicians, writers, athletes, actors, and just regular men - plumbers, police officers, accountants, teachers - all have experienced depression, and been helped by therapy and/or medication.<br />
<br />
And I have, too. That's why this is important to me.<br />
<br />
The symptoms of depression in men can be different than in women. <a href="http://healthyliving.msn.com/health-wellness/male-depression-understanding-the-issues-1">Here's a list of them of them from a good article on male depression:</a><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<li style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.9375px; list-style-position: inside;">Escapist behavior, such as spending a lot of time at work or on sports</li>
<li style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.9375px; list-style-position: inside;">Alcohol or substance abuse</li>
<li style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.9375px; list-style-position: inside;">Controlling, violent or abusive behavior</li>
<li style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.9375px; list-style-position: inside;">Inappropriate anger</li>
<li style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.9375px; list-style-position: inside;">Risky behavior, such as reckless driving</li>
<li style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.9375px; list-style-position: inside;">Infidelity or unhealthy sexual relationships</li>
<br />
<br />
If you think you or someone you love is suffering from depression, please see a doctor or a counselor. It doesn't have to be that bad.<br />
<br />
I wish you the best. Sincerely, Peter Hannah MA LMHC<br />
<br />pehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8479822378734432051.post-39532161673966702832012-10-01T16:03:00.000-07:002012-10-01T16:03:07.503-07:0018 All-Purpose Assertive PhrasesHi folks,<br />
<br />
Twitter is at its best for me when it delivers something of real value.<br />
<br />
Today, found an article posted on a Psychology Today blog entitled <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/changepower/201210/speak-18-all-purpose-assertive-phrases?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter">"Speak Up! 18 All-Purpose Assertive Phrases"</a>.<br />
<br />
I found it really useful - hope you do to! Best, Peter<br />
<a href="http://www.changingforgood.com/">Nice Guy counseling in Seattle</a><br />
<br />
PS - Twitter hat tip to @psychfeedpehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8479822378734432051.post-38955088106032134302012-02-17T11:19:00.001-08:002012-02-17T11:19:39.536-08:00You Can't Say Yes....If you can't also say "No". Another image quote for the day....<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKPG9Hfa8IHP4zepvp2e3kjMRYrugoTKEk8GmXszjFCF3PbAMIIjhWYBAvacCkFXpgvFyXaR3NtAW7gQ8iIBcIG2Fr084dDVjwavAmZMJBNVEYpBCDb8PF59sLtdW8_h59vmuxniopNQQ/s1600/yesnomeme.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKPG9Hfa8IHP4zepvp2e3kjMRYrugoTKEk8GmXszjFCF3PbAMIIjhWYBAvacCkFXpgvFyXaR3NtAW7gQ8iIBcIG2Fr084dDVjwavAmZMJBNVEYpBCDb8PF59sLtdW8_h59vmuxniopNQQ/s320/yesnomeme.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>pehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8479822378734432051.post-6555085826719707522012-02-16T14:49:00.000-08:002012-02-16T14:49:52.438-08:00Parenting for the Nice Guy/People PleaserHi everyone,<br />
<br />
I'm working on compiling my favorite Nice Guy/People Pleaser quotes - I find they really are good touchstones and tools to keep in mind when we have to fight the tendency to be say yes or be TOO nice.<br />
<br />
Here is today's. It pictures a child, but trust me, this advice is not just for working with kids.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7X1_6C82gwl1I996nYbfuh4Sh4hYQrUwQS30bqjs6v9N4Upy3eUV2a28j8SWTj5W85LqFrdPaoWzf0ecDkGvRo8JCYgtiNXTJno2ey2OJNWIoYzCBuEWQW0vr49V3tHpGymc8ADXKDbE/s1600/timeoutmeme.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7X1_6C82gwl1I996nYbfuh4Sh4hYQrUwQS30bqjs6v9N4Upy3eUV2a28j8SWTj5W85LqFrdPaoWzf0ecDkGvRo8JCYgtiNXTJno2ey2OJNWIoYzCBuEWQW0vr49V3tHpGymc8ADXKDbE/s320/timeoutmeme.png" width="214" /></a></div>Best to all, Peterpehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8479822378734432051.post-15174829222186759752012-02-14T23:04:00.001-08:002012-02-14T23:04:46.369-08:00No Comment Needed<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaUbjKNCGtFrLzZVwZNclhAq4W0Okzz43HTff3pkvduIYpecKBSojgRaycLrSzktpIlmMzEUEyrK-VIZAHnx75aRO-DrduRSUCPFiw3JpHfVCjtt3yLcFm75Csbu3yx7aGvBfPBLIifzc/s1600/nice2bnice.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjaUbjKNCGtFrLzZVwZNclhAq4W0Okzz43HTff3pkvduIYpecKBSojgRaycLrSzktpIlmMzEUEyrK-VIZAHnx75aRO-DrduRSUCPFiw3JpHfVCjtt3yLcFm75Csbu3yx7aGvBfPBLIifzc/s1600/nice2bnice.jpg" /></a></div>pehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8479822378734432051.post-20192424791155758162012-02-13T13:28:00.000-08:002012-02-13T13:28:32.837-08:00The Boundary Setting CycleWell, I just set a boundary. And now I am nervous.<br />
<br />
I recognize this as a cycle. As least a cycle since I've become conscious enough to start setting boundaries over a decade ago. It goes like this:<br />
<br />
1) Feel the pressure/dislike of their request/violation<br />
2) Get brave<br />
3) Set my boundary firmly and directly<br />
4) Get nervous and wait for the sh*t to hit the fan<br />
5) A response happens<br />
6) I recalibrate my thinking and integrate the new result<br />
<br />
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.<br />
<br />
All of those steps gets more fine-tuned, <b>quicker</b>, and more direct each time. I think they are also "cleaner" for want of a better word. That is - my emotional reactivity in setting the boundary is lower, and is more limited to the actual person and event at hand. No old stuff. No pent up stuff.<br />
<br />
That's the aim at least.<br />
<br />
Note that there is NOT an absence of fear. There needs to be faith and/or bravery.<br />
<br />
I ran this one by my wife (she does not suffer the same Nice problem as I) and she re-inforced what I already knew I wanted to do.<br />
<br />
So now I am anxious awaiting the outcome of having told my truth!<br />
<br />
All the best, Peterpehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8479822378734432051.post-15373886910170512792012-01-09T21:43:00.000-08:002012-01-09T21:43:44.723-08:00That TED Video on Vulnerability (You Need to Watch It)Dear Fellow Nice Guys,<br />
<br />
I call this meeting of Nice Guys Anonymous to order. Please stop fighting over who is giving up the good seats to who. You can apologize later :-)<br />
<br />
OK, tonight we'll be watching a short (20-minute) movie. It's called <a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html">The Power of Vulnerability: a TED Talk by Brene Brown</a>. In it, Brene Brown (she's a social worker with way too much education) studied people who are happy and connected. And this is what she found - it all hinged on vulnerability.<br />
<br />
This both floored me (for it's simplicity) and rang absolutely true at the same time. It was instinctively obvious.<br />
<br />
Her definition of vulnerability included the courage to be imperfect; the compassion to be kind (to self first, and then to others); and, connection as a result of authenticity.<br />
<br />
And it was her view that this all hinged on our view of our <b>own worthiness</b> - did we think we were worthy of love and affection and acceptance even though we are flawed, imperfect human beings.<br />
<br />
Well, my friends, I know that what I've always wanted was true connection. It's the drug my body craves. And that the counter-forces we often face (she names them as shame, fear, and lack of worthiness) keep us from experiencing it.<br />
<br />
It is my belief, from 45 years on this planet, that she has gotten this right.<br />
<br />
So I say to you - <a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html">watch this video!!!</a> And know that you <i>are</i> worthy, that you are <i>lovable, likable, acceptable, </i>even in your current state. This is the essence of grace.<br />
<br />
I truly wish you all the best, yours, Peter<br />
<a href="http://www.changingforgood.com/">Therapist for Nice Guys</a>pehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8479822378734432051.post-73926223935130531002011-08-08T13:09:00.000-07:002011-08-08T13:09:23.836-07:00A Poem for the Nice GuysHi everyone,<br />
<br />
I'm pretty open that I work with people on this journey because it's my journey, too. I'm coming back around to some old stuff from a higher level (we call it the Spiral Path, where you come back around to things, with more skills, tools and perspective) and this poem is a result. I'll stop over-talking and just let the poem speak for itself. I wish you all the best, Peter<br />
<br />
<u>No Need</u><br />
I am No-Need.<br />
I have No Name.<br />
I am without Want<br />
Or Feeling.<br />
Don't worry about me.<br />
<br />
I live to Serve.<br />
Serving without Need.<br />
If you have no Needs,<br />
What am I, then?<br />
I am Not.<br />
I am Nothing.<br />
For I have No Role or Use.<br />
I am Obliviated.<br />
<br />
And in the Nothingness,<br />
I may feel my own Feelings,<br />
And want my own Wants.<br />
And, for the first time, know my own Name.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
pehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03549900102008996538noreply@blogger.com0