The Nice Guy Coach

That TED Video on Vulnerability (You Need to Watch It)

2012-01-09T21:43:00.000-08:00

Dear Fellow Nice Guys,

I call this meeting of Nice Guys Anonymous to order. Please stop fighting over who is giving up the good seats to who. You can apologize later :-)

OK, tonight we'll be watching a short (20-minute) movie. It's called The Power of Vulnerability: a TED Talk by Brene Brown. In it, Brene Brown (she's a social worker with way too much education) studied people who are happy and connected. And this is what she found - it all hinged on vulnerability.

This both floored me (for it's simplicity) and rang absolutely true at the same time. It was instinctively obvious.

Her definition of vulnerability included the courage to be imperfect; the compassion to be kind (to self first, and then to others); and, connection as a result of authenticity.

And it was her view that this all hinged on our view of our own worthiness - did we think we were worthy of love and affection and acceptance even though we are flawed, imperfect human beings.

Well, my friends, I know that what I've always wanted was true connection. It's the drug my body craves. And that the counter-forces we often face (she names them as shame, fear, and lack of worthiness) keep us from experiencing it.

It is my belief, from 45 years on this planet, that she has gotten this right.

So I say to you - watch this video!!! And know that you are worthy, that you are lovable, likable, acceptable, even in your current state. This is the essence of grace.

I truly wish you all the best, yours, Peter
Therapist for Nice Guys

A Poem for the Nice Guys

2011-08-08T13:09:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone,

I'm pretty open that I work with people on this journey because it's my journey, too. I'm coming back around to some old stuff from a higher level (we call it the Spiral Path, where you come back around to things, with more skills, tools and perspective) and this poem is a result. I'll stop over-talking and just let the poem speak for itself. I wish you all the best, Peter

No Need
I am No-Need.
I have No Name.
I am without Want
Or Feeling.
Don't worry about me.

I live to Serve.
Serving without Need.
If you have no Needs,
What am I, then?
I am Not.
I am Nothing.
For I have No Role or Use.
I am Obliviated.

And in the Nothingness,
I may feel my own Feelings,
And want my own Wants.
And, for the first time, know my own Name.

Nice Guys and Exoskeletons

2011-08-01T20:35:00.000-07:00

It came to me today, that I, like many Nice Guys I know, have developed exoskeletons over the years.

What do I mean by that?

Well, I was thinking about the habits, skills and strategies I have picked up along the way (since, perhaps the beginning of high school). I was a pretty sensitive kid, a smart one, and a little chubby. Ah, what a great way to go through junior high!

Anyways, I realized that I learned some things from then on in. I learned how to dress. I learned how to walk with purpose. I learned how to fake it. I learned how to be social. I learned how to be funny. I learned how to read people's emotions, and what they needed.

All of these acted as a shield, as a protectant. They were, in short, an exoskeleton. They protected me and kept me safe inside.

The downside was that the strengthening inside that shell was slow, since it wasn't really needed to get by in life. Inside that shell, I remained fairly young and sensitive. Also, it interfered with my *real* contact with other people. They were interacting with the image of me, not often the *real* me. Hell, I didn't let anybody get close to that.

It's been the work of my adulthood (actually, since starting my journey to this career when I was 32) to start to develop the insides and actually let it out to connect and interact. Now, at 45, I feel much freer - more real and sincere and authentic. Being the dad of a toddler has helped too, as my little guy is nothing if not true to himself, and I find dad's are allowed to be soft and silly in a way younger men really aren't in this culture.

OK, that's all from here today. I wish you all the best - from the real me to the real you.

Best, Peter
Counseling for Nice Guys to be More Authentic

On Non-Nice Guy Stuff

2011-07-26T22:10:00.000-07:00

Hello readers,

Just wanted to let you know, if you like what you see here and are interested in other therapy & life-related writings of mine, you might want to check out my other new blog:
http://seattlecounselors.blogspot.com/

Best, Peter

A Quick, But Important Thought for Nice Guys

2011-06-07T10:06:00.000-07:00

You will really make a break-through when you take into account how much doing (or not doing) something would disappoint YOU along with how much it might disappoint someone else.

It is the balance of these things that makes for good decision making in a relationship.

P.S. - many Nice Guys are good at over-estimating how disappointed people get.

Nice Guys, Frank Burns, and Game Theory

2011-03-06T22:36:00.000-08:00

"It's nice to be nice… to the nice." – Col. Frank Burns on the TV show M*A*S*H

It surprises me that a great quote for nice guys comes from Frank Burns, who I never would associate with being one. But the heart of the quote really reflects the dilemma that nice guys face in their daily lives. They like to be nice. They want to be nice. But not everyone plays nice back. So what to do?

This is where game theory comes into play. Game theory is a form of applied mathematics that deals with behavior in strategic situations, where an individual’s success depends on the actions of others. Instead of using the terms “nice” or “not nice”, game theory would use the words “cooperative” or “non-cooperative”. There is mathematical proof that playing a game always from a constantly cooperative standpoint is not the most effective. Neither is playing from a non-cooperative standpoint all the time.

What turns out to create the best outcomes is having a hybrid strategy. In this strategy, you always start interacting with the player cooperatively. Then, your next move is a mirror of their last move. If they acted cooperatively, you continue to act cooperatively. If they act uncooperatively, you act on uncooperatively. In other words, always start out nice. But then treat others as they treat you.

You can imagine this in the work world as a way of training people how to treat you. Of rewarding good behavior, but not bad. I've seen too many nice guys just smile and take it when people really behave badly to them. Game theory points us to a mathematical proof that this is not an effective way to go through life. And apparently, Frank Burns would concur.

Wishing you the best. Sincerely, Peter Hannah

Nice Guys & Splitting Off

2010-08-01T10:50:00.000-07:00

So if you've read my posts before, you'll know that Nice Guys *do* have parts of them that aren't "nice". (And by the way, that's the judgement they've made about those parts - not that you'd judge those parts as dark, bad, unacceptable, etc.)

These parts most often revolve around sexual desire & anger - two things most Nice Guys think aren't very acceptable. These are essential energies in any human being, though, and strong ones at that. Like a river rushing at a small dam, they will find a way around and through.

For some Nice Guys, this means "splitting off". That is, outside the view of the women in their lives, in secret they will find expression for these parts.

This might mean watching porn in secret, or being very argumentative in their men's sports leagues. A lesser version of "Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde" might be a good analogy.

The problem with this strategy often comes from a low energy-state in their primary relationship, caused by the lack of sexual and/or angry energy. Without these drives, relationships can get tired, stale, boring, sexless and dull. And if the Nice Guys partner gets a glimpse of the part that she thought didn't even EXIST anymore in the Nice Guy, the contrast will be...well, confusing is one possibility. Upsetting is another.

We'll get a little more into Shadow (which is related to this) in a later post.

Best, Peter Hannah
Seattle Nice Guy Counselor

Funny Nice Guy Video

2010-06-17T23:27:00.000-07:00

So, Ralph Macchio, the first "Karate Kid" star, has outed himself on the web....as a Nice Guy. Enjoy!

Wax On, F*ck Off with Ralph Macchio from Ralph Macchio

The Benefits of Pissing People Off

2009-12-09T22:30:00.000-08:00

Tim Ferriss, author of The Four Hour Work Week, is a bit of a genius.

I present you one of his blog entries. The opening quote he used caught me. I had to share.

http://www.fourhourworkweek.com/blog/2009/11/25/the-benefits-of-pissing-people-off/

I hope you are well.

Best, Peter Hannah, Nice Guy Coach

"Bad Influence" - an oldish Nice Guy movie

2009-03-25T00:15:00.001-07:00

So I'm flipping channels on the satellite, and come across Bad Influence, a movie from 1990 with James Spader and Rob Lowe. They play the archetypal Nice Guy and Bad Boy, respectively (a little odd as in the last years Spader has played rather perverted characters in Secretary and Boston Legal - and Lowe more straightlaced types).

Anyway, it's interesting to see this same story of Nice Guy and shadow played out, years before Fight Club, which is my favorite film and the convergence of those two topics.

As always, we find in the end that either half of the duality isn't very healthy, and that the royal road out is integration. There is nothing wrong with being nice, nothing unhealthy about knowing how to please people or wanting to have good relationships. But when it's reflexive and not a conscious choice anymore, then we are in trouble. The answer isn't going all the way to the other side of the spectrum and becoming a jerk - it's about balance.

Best, Peter

The Anxiety Before A Talk, and the Reality (A Tale of Useless Worry)

2009-03-22T23:49:00.000-07:00

So tonight was volleyball night. I like to play sports, and I play all out. It is one of the places where I am not "nice", where I am a warrior and competitive and even combative at times. At least with the other teams.

I am also captain of my team, and the general manager, as such. And tonight I had to let one of the guys go (it's the end of a season, with another one beginning soon). The rest of the team wanted him gone, I was in agreement, but UGH, did I have to be the one to do it? My Nice Guy-ness reared its ugly head.

I fretted and tried not to think about it as we played the last games. Then I sucked it up and told him we needed to talk. And guess what? He was unhappy and wanted to leave. It was a quick and easy conversation.

How many times have I (and other NG's I have worked with) known a similar situation? From the romantic relationship where both sides are actually unhappy, to the work-place issue that's the same.

Nice Guys often forget, other people *do* feel unhappy, and want change too. So, save yourself the worry. Just get the conversation started.

Best, Peter

"I Love You, Man" - The Nice Guy in Film

2009-03-22T01:01:00.000-07:00

So I just back from seeing I Love You, Man - a movie that I really enjoyed. Lots of good laughs. The main character, played by Paul Rudd - definitely a Nice Guy! Since it's the weekend and I am feeling lazy (and wanting to watch the NCAA tournament), I'll let Owen Gleiberman's review in Entertainment Weekly do some of my talking.

"...the resonant joke of  I Love You, Man is that the reason Peter has no pals is that he's too sweetly sincere, too in touch with his sensitive side, to indulge in  the gloriously insensitive modes of male bonding: the reckless sex chatter and sports talk, the need to be a guy, a dude."

"Rudd shows us the awful eagerness to please that drives Peter's strenuous attempt to fit in. He's as mesmerizingly pathetic as Austin Powers, only Peter is a dork you can believe in. The more your face turns red for him, the more you root for him. That's what makes Paul Rudd a star. I Love You, Man is a guy-meets-guy ''romantic'' comedy, and it's part of the film's merry topical wink at how men have been changed by girl-power culture that Peter has no trouble relating to women, but to relate to men he must first figure out how to be one."

I urge all Nice Guys to see this movie. With their buddies.

:-) Peter

The Irrational Fear of Losing Relationships

2009-03-19T23:51:00.000-07:00

So I sat with a couple today - a rare Nice/Nice combination. You usually see a low-energy between these type, as both sides being avoidant of conflict breeds a lack of spark.

In working with the male half of the couple, we dug down into why he wanted to avoid showing his anger, or upset with his girlfriend. It came to an irrational belief I've seen many times - that he is quite disposable, and if he causes any trouble, or doesn't make her happy, she will leave him.

I've seen this before (I remember it in myself). There is a great underestimation of not only his own worth, but of the strength of relationship. There is a missing of the truth that relationship can and does withstand conflict, disagreement, mistakes, and not always being "nice". At least a good relationship does. And to have a long-term relationship, you have to be able to have conflict. Otherwise, dishonesty and resentment simmer and bubble until you have REAL trouble.

That's the nugget for the day. My best to you.

Sincerely, Peter Hannah MA LMHC

Counseling for Nice Guys in Seattle

A Couple of Sit-Com Nice Guys

2009-03-16T21:03:00.001-07:00

It's Monday, and some of the funnier shows I like on TV are on. I noticed that the CBS lineup is actually three Nice Guys in a row!

On The Big Bang Theory, I find Leonard to be actually a fairly self-aware Nice Guy, and definitely the geekier variety of the species.

Then (my favorite show of the three), How I Met Your Mother features Ted Moseby, who shows his NG credentials with his incessant need to be in a romantic relationship, whether it's a good one or not.

Finally, we have Two and a Half Men, where NG Alan Harper is usually bitter both about not getting what he wants, but also about his brother Charlie (basically, the shadow/opposite of a NG) getting everything he wants.

There are lots of other NGs in past TV shows. The wikipedia entry for Nice Guy had once listed George Costanza as an NG - which I found to be wrong! (I don't feel nice about that).

Best, Peter

Another Blog I'd Suggest

2009-03-11T21:41:00.000-07:00

Hey Nice Guys,

After a day of counseling (and of the 6 sessions, 4 were really in the Nice Guy category - including a Nice/Nice couple!), I have a bunch I'd like to write, but I need to go take care of the baby.

In my stead, I point you at fellow therapist Steve McReady's blog - Happy Now, Sad Later - which is directed at more than just NG's, but hits some important points.

The ability to stand discomfort, because you need to do something right, or say something true, is the royal road out for NGs.

Read and learn!

Best, Peter

My Thoughts on "The Bachelor"

2009-03-03T01:02:00.000-08:00

A "historic" episode of ABC's The Bachelor, indeed. Tonight, Jason Mesnick from right here in old Seattle (the Nice Guy capital of America) did create some great drama by breaking up with the girl he chose (and gave a ring to) - Melissa.

He then asked Molly, the one he turned down, if she would give him another shot. She was initially confused (understandably) but then said yes. It looks like a possible happy ending, but we'll have to see.

Aside from the fact that the breakup and the "give me a second chance" were about the most real moments I've ever seen in reality television (I watch a wee bit too much TV), I have these Nice Guy-related thoughts:

I was happy that Jason listened to his gut, and broke off his engagement. Nice Guys can often get too confused by outside input (did you notice everyone, including the girl from the previous season who dumped *him*, giving him advice?). With a head swimming full of external input, he tried to make a good decision. But it seems he became aware it was the wrong one - and that input came from inside.

He then had the guts to break it off with Melissa before they went any farther. And the guts to go for what he wanted.

I was moved. I've worked with many Nice Guys who went the easy way, or went with something they really didn't think they wanted, only to be unhappy (and really rotten partners) later on. Jason was smart to follow his gut. It would have been better, perhaps, if he had been able to hear it some months ago, but it's all about reducing that cycle time, fellas.

Best, Peter

Welcome, Fellow Nice Guys!

2009-02-27T01:24:00.000-08:00

Hi, I'm Peter Hannah, MA LMHC. I'm a psychotherapist in private practice in Seattle, Washington. I'm also a recovering Nice Guy.

What is Nice Guy? Well you can read Wikipedia's view on it but I could frame it symptomatically:

a Nice Guy avoids conflict

a Nice Guy wants to be liked (by everyone)

a Nice Guy tends to not ask for what he wants (directly, at least)

a Nice Guy is very anxious if someone is upset with them

I could go on. I might also tell you a Nice Guy is motivated more by how people will react, than by telling his truth, and these are the two masters a Nice Guy usually will find himself pulled between.

I've been counseling fellow Nice Guys for the last 5 years. I'm hoping to find a broader way to help others out there. This blog is one part of that.

I'll be posting some resources soon. In the meantime you can also keep up with my private counseling practice for individuals and couples in Seattle.

My mission is to help Nice Guys become Good, Strong Men who can gracefully advocate for what they want in life.

Best, Peter Hannah MA LMHC

Welcome to The Nice Guy Coach!

2008-06-29T00:10:00.000-07:00

Hi, I'm Peter Hannah MA LMHC. I'm a counselor for individuals and couples in Seattle, and I specialize in working with "Nice Guys". What is a Nice Guy? If you are one, you might know it just from those two words.

Some other phrases or characteristics I'd use are People Pleasers, Conflict Avoidant, Yes Men, and there is definitely some overlap with Codependent.

This blog is a first step towards taking help for Nice Guys to people outside of the Seattle area. I've got big plans, but just stick around and you'll see.

All the best, Peter