Hello readers,
Just wanted to let you know, if you like what you see here and are interested in other therapy & life-related writings of mine, you might want to check out my other new blog:
http://seattlecounselors.blogspot.com/
Best, Peter
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
A Quick, But Important Thought for Nice Guys
You will really make a break-through when you take into account how much doing (or not doing) something would disappoint YOU along with how much it might disappoint someone else.
It is the balance of these things that makes for good decision making in a relationship.
P.S. - many Nice Guys are good at over-estimating how disappointed people get.
It is the balance of these things that makes for good decision making in a relationship.
P.S. - many Nice Guys are good at over-estimating how disappointed people get.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Nice Guys, Frank Burns, and Game Theory
"It's nice to be nice… to the nice." – Col. Frank Burns on the TV show M*A*S*H
It surprises me that a great quote for nice guys comes from Frank Burns, who I never would associate with being one. But the heart of the quote really reflects the dilemma that nice guys face in their daily lives. They like to be nice. They want to be nice. But not everyone plays nice back. So what to do?
This is where game theory comes into play. Game theory is a form of applied mathematics that deals with behavior in strategic situations, where an individual’s success depends on the actions of others. Instead of using the terms “nice” or “not nice”, game theory would use the words “cooperative” or “non-cooperative”. There is mathematical proof that playing a game always from a constantly cooperative standpoint is not the most effective. Neither is playing from a non-cooperative standpoint all the time.
What turns out to create the best outcomes is having a hybrid strategy. In this strategy, you always start interacting with the player cooperatively. Then, your next move is a mirror of their last move. If they acted cooperatively, you continue to act cooperatively. If they act uncooperatively, you act on uncooperatively. In other words, always start out nice. But then treat others as they treat you.
You can imagine this in the work world as a way of training people how to treat you. Of rewarding good behavior, but not bad. I've seen too many nice guys just smile and take it when people really behave badly to them. Game theory points us to a mathematical proof that this is not an effective way to go through life. And apparently, Frank Burns would concur.
Wishing you the best. Sincerely, Peter Hannah
It surprises me that a great quote for nice guys comes from Frank Burns, who I never would associate with being one. But the heart of the quote really reflects the dilemma that nice guys face in their daily lives. They like to be nice. They want to be nice. But not everyone plays nice back. So what to do?
This is where game theory comes into play. Game theory is a form of applied mathematics that deals with behavior in strategic situations, where an individual’s success depends on the actions of others. Instead of using the terms “nice” or “not nice”, game theory would use the words “cooperative” or “non-cooperative”. There is mathematical proof that playing a game always from a constantly cooperative standpoint is not the most effective. Neither is playing from a non-cooperative standpoint all the time.
What turns out to create the best outcomes is having a hybrid strategy. In this strategy, you always start interacting with the player cooperatively. Then, your next move is a mirror of their last move. If they acted cooperatively, you continue to act cooperatively. If they act uncooperatively, you act on uncooperatively. In other words, always start out nice. But then treat others as they treat you.
You can imagine this in the work world as a way of training people how to treat you. Of rewarding good behavior, but not bad. I've seen too many nice guys just smile and take it when people really behave badly to them. Game theory points us to a mathematical proof that this is not an effective way to go through life. And apparently, Frank Burns would concur.
Wishing you the best. Sincerely, Peter Hannah
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Nice Guys & Splitting Off
So if you've read my posts before, you'll know that Nice Guys *do* have parts of them that aren't "nice". (And by the way, that's the judgement they've made about those parts - not that you'd judge those parts as dark, bad, unacceptable, etc.)
These parts most often revolve around sexual desire & anger - two things most Nice Guys think aren't very acceptable. These are essential energies in any human being, though, and strong ones at that. Like a river rushing at a small dam, they will find a way around and through.
For some Nice Guys, this means "splitting off". That is, outside the view of the women in their lives, in secret they will find expression for these parts.
This might mean watching porn in secret, or being very argumentative in their men's sports leagues. A lesser version of "Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde" might be a good analogy.
The problem with this strategy often comes from a low energy-state in their primary relationship, caused by the lack of sexual and/or angry energy. Without these drives, relationships can get tired, stale, boring, sexless and dull. And if the Nice Guys partner gets a glimpse of the part that she thought didn't even EXIST anymore in the Nice Guy, the contrast will be...well, confusing is one possibility. Upsetting is another.
We'll get a little more into Shadow (which is related to this) in a later post.
Best, Peter Hannah
Seattle Nice Guy Counselor
These parts most often revolve around sexual desire & anger - two things most Nice Guys think aren't very acceptable. These are essential energies in any human being, though, and strong ones at that. Like a river rushing at a small dam, they will find a way around and through.
For some Nice Guys, this means "splitting off". That is, outside the view of the women in their lives, in secret they will find expression for these parts.
This might mean watching porn in secret, or being very argumentative in their men's sports leagues. A lesser version of "Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde" might be a good analogy.
The problem with this strategy often comes from a low energy-state in their primary relationship, caused by the lack of sexual and/or angry energy. Without these drives, relationships can get tired, stale, boring, sexless and dull. And if the Nice Guys partner gets a glimpse of the part that she thought didn't even EXIST anymore in the Nice Guy, the contrast will be...well, confusing is one possibility. Upsetting is another.
We'll get a little more into Shadow (which is related to this) in a later post.
Best, Peter Hannah
Seattle Nice Guy Counselor
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Funny Nice Guy Video
So, Ralph Macchio, the first "Karate Kid" star, has outed himself on the web....as a Nice Guy. Enjoy!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
The Benefits of Pissing People Off
Tim Ferriss, author of The Four Hour Work Week, is a bit of a genius.
I present you one of his blog entries. The opening quote he used caught me. I had to share.
http://www.fourhourworkweek.com/blog/2009/11/25/the-benefits-of-pissing-people-off/
I hope you are well.
Best, Peter Hannah, Nice Guy Coach
I present you one of his blog entries. The opening quote he used caught me. I had to share.
http://www.fourhourworkweek.com/blog/2009/11/25/the-benefits-of-pissing-people-off/
I hope you are well.
Best, Peter Hannah, Nice Guy Coach
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
"Bad Influence" - an oldish Nice Guy movie
So I'm flipping channels on the satellite, and come across Bad Influence, a movie from 1990 with James Spader and Rob Lowe. They play the archetypal Nice Guy and Bad Boy, respectively (a little odd as in the last years Spader has played rather perverted characters in Secretary and Boston Legal - and Lowe more straightlaced types).
Anyway, it's interesting to see this same story of Nice Guy and shadow played out, years before Fight Club, which is my favorite film and the convergence of those two topics.
As always, we find in the end that either half of the duality isn't very healthy, and that the royal road out is integration. There is nothing wrong with being nice, nothing unhealthy about knowing how to please people or wanting to have good relationships. But when it's reflexive and not a conscious choice anymore, then we are in trouble. The answer isn't going all the way to the other side of the spectrum and becoming a jerk - it's about balance.
Best, Peter
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