Nice Guys & Splitting Off

So if you've read my posts before, you'll know that Nice Guys *do* have parts of them that aren't "nice". (And by the way, that's the judgement they've made about those parts - not that you'd judge those parts as dark, bad, unacceptable, etc.)

These parts most often revolve around sexual desire & anger - two things most Nice Guys think aren't very acceptable. These are essential energies in any human being, though, and strong ones at that. Like a river rushing at a small dam, they will find a way around and through.

For some Nice Guys, this means "splitting off". That is, outside the view of the women in their lives, in secret they will find expression for these parts.

This might mean watching porn in secret, or being very argumentative in their men's sports leagues. A lesser version of "Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde" might be a good analogy.

The problem with this strategy often comes from a low energy-state in their primary relationship, caused by the lack of sexual and/or angry energy. Without these drives, relationships can get tired, stale, boring, sexless and dull. And if the Nice Guys partner gets a glimpse of the part that she thought didn't even EXIST anymore in the Nice Guy, the contrast will be...well, confusing is one possibility. Upsetting is another.

We'll get a little more into Shadow (which is related to this) in a later post.

Best, Peter Hannah
Seattle Nice Guy Counselor

Funny Nice Guy Video

So, Ralph Macchio, the first "Karate Kid" star, has outed himself on the web....as a Nice Guy. Enjoy!

Wax On, F*ck Off with Ralph Macchio from Ralph Macchio

"Bad Influence" - an oldish Nice Guy movie

So I'm flipping channels on the satellite, and come across Bad Influence, a movie from 1990 with James Spader and Rob Lowe. They play the archetypal Nice Guy and Bad Boy, respectively (a little odd as in the last years Spader has played rather perverted characters in Secretary and Boston Legal -  and Lowe more straightlaced types).

Anyway, it's interesting to see this same story of Nice Guy and shadow played out, years before Fight Club, which is my favorite film and the convergence of those two topics.

As always, we find in the end that either half of the duality isn't very healthy, and that the royal road out is integration. There is nothing wrong with being nice, nothing unhealthy about knowing how to please people or wanting to have good relationships. But when it's reflexive and not a conscious choice anymore, then we are in trouble. The answer isn't going all the way to the other side of the spectrum and becoming a jerk - it's about balance.

Best, Peter

"I Love You, Man" - The Nice Guy in Film

So I just back from seeing I Love You, Man - a movie that I really enjoyed. Lots of good laughs. The main character, played by Paul Rudd - definitely a Nice Guy! Since it's the weekend and I am feeling lazy (and wanting to watch the NCAA tournament), I'll let Owen Gleiberman's review in Entertainment Weekly do some of my talking.

"...the resonant joke of 
I Love You, Man is that the reason Peter has no pals is that he's too sweetly sincere, too in touch with his sensitive side, to indulge in 
the gloriously insensitive modes of male bonding: the reckless sex chatter and sports talk, the need to be a guy, a dude."

"Rudd shows us the awful eagerness to please that drives Peter's strenuous attempt to fit in. He's as mesmerizingly pathetic as Austin Powers, only Peter is a dork you can believe in. The more your face turns red for him, the more you root for him. That's what makes Paul Rudd a star. I Love You, Man is a guy-meets-guy ''romantic'' comedy, and it's part of the film's merry topical wink at how men have been changed by girl-power culture that Peter has no trouble relating to women, but to relate to men he must first figure out how to be one."

I urge all Nice Guys to see this movie. With their buddies.

:-) Peter

My Thoughts on "The Bachelor"

A "historic" episode of ABC's The Bachelor, indeed. Tonight, Jason Mesnick from right here in old Seattle (the Nice Guy capital of America) did create some great drama by breaking up with the girl he chose (and gave a ring to) - Melissa.

He then asked Molly, the one he turned down, if she would give him another shot. She was initially confused (understandably) but then said yes. It looks like a possible happy ending, but we'll have to see.

Aside from the fact that the breakup and the "give me a second chance" were about the most real moments I've ever seen in reality television (I watch a wee bit too much TV), I have these Nice Guy-related thoughts:

I was happy that Jason listened to his gut, and broke off his engagement. Nice Guys can often get too confused by outside input (did you notice everyone, including the girl from the previous season who dumped *him*, giving him advice?). With a head swimming full of external input, he tried to make a good decision. But it seems he became aware it was the wrong one - and that input came from inside.

He then had the guts to break it off with Melissa before they went any farther. And the guts to go for what he wanted.

I was moved. I've worked with many Nice Guys who went the easy way, or went with something they really didn't think they wanted, only to be unhappy (and really rotten partners) later on. Jason was smart to follow his gut. It would have been better, perhaps, if he had been able to hear it some months ago, but it's all about reducing that cycle time, fellas.

Best, Peter

Welcome, Fellow Nice Guys!

Hi, I'm Peter Hannah, MA LMHC. I'm a psychotherapist in private practice in Seattle, Washington. I'm also a recovering Nice Guy.

What is Nice Guy? Well you can read Wikipedia's view on it but I could frame it symptomatically:

a Nice Guy avoids conflict

a Nice Guy wants to be liked (by everyone)

a Nice Guy tends to not ask for what he wants (directly, at least)

a Nice Guy is very anxious if someone is upset with them

I could go on. I might also tell you a Nice Guy is motivated more by how people will react, than by telling his truth, and these are the two masters a Nice Guy usually will find himself pulled between.

I've been counseling fellow Nice Guys for the last 5 years. I'm hoping to find a broader way to help others out there. This blog is one part of that.

I'll be posting some resources soon. In the meantime you can also keep up with my private counseling practice for individuals and couples in Seattle. 

My mission is to help Nice Guys become Good, Strong Men who can gracefully advocate for what they want in life.

Best, Peter Hannah MA LMHC

Welcome to The Nice Guy Coach!

Hi, I'm Peter Hannah MA LMHC. I'm a counselor for individuals and couples in Seattle, and I specialize in working with "Nice Guys". What is a Nice Guy? If you are one, you might know it just from those two words.

Some other phrases or characteristics I'd use are People Pleasers, Conflict Avoidant, Yes Men, and there is definitely some overlap with Codependent.

This blog is a first step towards taking help for Nice Guys to people outside of the Seattle area. I've got big plans, but just stick around and you'll see.

All the best, Peter