Nice Guys & Splitting Off

So if you've read my posts before, you'll know that Nice Guys *do* have parts of them that aren't "nice". (And by the way, that's the judgement they've made about those parts - not that you'd judge those parts as dark, bad, unacceptable, etc.)

These parts most often revolve around sexual desire & anger - two things most Nice Guys think aren't very acceptable. These are essential energies in any human being, though, and strong ones at that. Like a river rushing at a small dam, they will find a way around and through.

For some Nice Guys, this means "splitting off". That is, outside the view of the women in their lives, in secret they will find expression for these parts.

This might mean watching porn in secret, or being very argumentative in their men's sports leagues. A lesser version of "Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde" might be a good analogy.

The problem with this strategy often comes from a low energy-state in their primary relationship, caused by the lack of sexual and/or angry energy. Without these drives, relationships can get tired, stale, boring, sexless and dull. And if the Nice Guys partner gets a glimpse of the part that she thought didn't even EXIST anymore in the Nice Guy, the contrast will be...well, confusing is one possibility. Upsetting is another.

We'll get a little more into Shadow (which is related to this) in a later post.

Best, Peter Hannah
Seattle Nice Guy Counselor

"Bad Influence" - an oldish Nice Guy movie

So I'm flipping channels on the satellite, and come across Bad Influence, a movie from 1990 with James Spader and Rob Lowe. They play the archetypal Nice Guy and Bad Boy, respectively (a little odd as in the last years Spader has played rather perverted characters in Secretary and Boston Legal -  and Lowe more straightlaced types).

Anyway, it's interesting to see this same story of Nice Guy and shadow played out, years before Fight Club, which is my favorite film and the convergence of those two topics.

As always, we find in the end that either half of the duality isn't very healthy, and that the royal road out is integration. There is nothing wrong with being nice, nothing unhealthy about knowing how to please people or wanting to have good relationships. But when it's reflexive and not a conscious choice anymore, then we are in trouble. The answer isn't going all the way to the other side of the spectrum and becoming a jerk - it's about balance.

Best, Peter