Nice Guys & Splitting Off

So if you've read my posts before, you'll know that Nice Guys *do* have parts of them that aren't "nice". (And by the way, that's the judgement they've made about those parts - not that you'd judge those parts as dark, bad, unacceptable, etc.)

These parts most often revolve around sexual desire & anger - two things most Nice Guys think aren't very acceptable. These are essential energies in any human being, though, and strong ones at that. Like a river rushing at a small dam, they will find a way around and through.

For some Nice Guys, this means "splitting off". That is, outside the view of the women in their lives, in secret they will find expression for these parts.

This might mean watching porn in secret, or being very argumentative in their men's sports leagues. A lesser version of "Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde" might be a good analogy.

The problem with this strategy often comes from a low energy-state in their primary relationship, caused by the lack of sexual and/or angry energy. Without these drives, relationships can get tired, stale, boring, sexless and dull. And if the Nice Guys partner gets a glimpse of the part that she thought didn't even EXIST anymore in the Nice Guy, the contrast will be...well, confusing is one possibility. Upsetting is another.

We'll get a little more into Shadow (which is related to this) in a later post.

Best, Peter Hannah
Seattle Nice Guy Counselor

Funny Nice Guy Video

So, Ralph Macchio, the first "Karate Kid" star, has outed himself on the web....as a Nice Guy. Enjoy!

Wax On, F*ck Off with Ralph Macchio from Ralph Macchio

The Benefits of Pissing People Off

Tim Ferriss, author of The Four Hour Work Week, is a bit of a genius.

I present you one of his blog entries. The opening quote he used caught me. I had to share.

http://www.fourhourworkweek.com/blog/2009/11/25/the-benefits-of-pissing-people-off/

I hope you are well.

Best, Peter Hannah, Nice Guy Coach

"Bad Influence" - an oldish Nice Guy movie

So I'm flipping channels on the satellite, and come across Bad Influence, a movie from 1990 with James Spader and Rob Lowe. They play the archetypal Nice Guy and Bad Boy, respectively (a little odd as in the last years Spader has played rather perverted characters in Secretary and Boston Legal -  and Lowe more straightlaced types).

Anyway, it's interesting to see this same story of Nice Guy and shadow played out, years before Fight Club, which is my favorite film and the convergence of those two topics.

As always, we find in the end that either half of the duality isn't very healthy, and that the royal road out is integration. There is nothing wrong with being nice, nothing unhealthy about knowing how to please people or wanting to have good relationships. But when it's reflexive and not a conscious choice anymore, then we are in trouble. The answer isn't going all the way to the other side of the spectrum and becoming a jerk - it's about balance.

Best, Peter

The Anxiety Before A Talk, and the Reality (A Tale of Useless Worry)

So tonight was volleyball night. I like to play sports, and I play all out. It is one of the places where I am not "nice", where I am a warrior and competitive and even combative at times. At least with the other teams.

I am also captain of my team, and the general manager, as such. And tonight I had to let one of the guys go (it's the end of a season, with another one beginning soon). The rest of the team wanted him gone, I was in agreement, but UGH, did I have to be the one to do it? My Nice Guy-ness reared its ugly head.

I fretted and tried not to think about it as we played the last games. Then I sucked it up and told him we needed to talk. And guess what? He was unhappy and wanted to leave. It was a quick and easy conversation.

How many times have I (and other NG's I have worked with) known a similar situation? From the romantic relationship where both sides are actually unhappy, to the work-place issue that's the same.

Nice Guys often forget, other people *do* feel unhappy, and want change too. So, save yourself the worry. Just get the conversation started.

Best, Peter

"I Love You, Man" - The Nice Guy in Film

So I just back from seeing I Love You, Man - a movie that I really enjoyed. Lots of good laughs. The main character, played by Paul Rudd - definitely a Nice Guy! Since it's the weekend and I am feeling lazy (and wanting to watch the NCAA tournament), I'll let Owen Gleiberman's review in Entertainment Weekly do some of my talking.

"...the resonant joke of 
I Love You, Man is that the reason Peter has no pals is that he's too sweetly sincere, too in touch with his sensitive side, to indulge in 
the gloriously insensitive modes of male bonding: the reckless sex chatter and sports talk, the need to be a guy, a dude."

"Rudd shows us the awful eagerness to please that drives Peter's strenuous attempt to fit in. He's as mesmerizingly pathetic as Austin Powers, only Peter is a dork you can believe in. The more your face turns red for him, the more you root for him. That's what makes Paul Rudd a star. I Love You, Man is a guy-meets-guy ''romantic'' comedy, and it's part of the film's merry topical wink at how men have been changed by girl-power culture that Peter has no trouble relating to women, but to relate to men he must first figure out how to be one."

I urge all Nice Guys to see this movie. With their buddies.

:-) Peter

The Irrational Fear of Losing Relationships

So I sat with a couple today - a rare Nice/Nice combination. You usually see a low-energy between these type, as both sides being avoidant of conflict breeds a lack of spark.

In working with the male half of the couple, we dug down into why he wanted to avoid showing his anger, or upset with his girlfriend. It came to an irrational belief I've seen many times - that he is quite disposable, and if he causes any trouble, or doesn't make her happy, she will leave him.

I've seen this before (I remember it in myself). There is a great underestimation of not only his own worth, but of the strength of relationship. There is a missing of the truth that relationship can and does withstand conflict, disagreement, mistakes, and not always being "nice". At least a good relationship does. And to have a long-term relationship, you have to be able to have conflict. Otherwise, dishonesty and resentment simmer and bubble until you have REAL trouble.

That's the nugget for the day. My best to you.

Sincerely, Peter Hannah MA LMHC

Counseling for Nice Guys in Seattle