Men, Depression, and The Boss

Hi everyone,

This post isn't just for the nice guys out there, heck it's not just even for guys. It's for anyone who is living with depression - either in themselves or someone they love.

I think as a man, I often used to equate depression with the feminine. It was just about being sad, blue, teary.

I've certainly known men (both in therapy, and my outside life), who viewed being depressed as a character flaw of a sign of weakness.

That's why I am writing this blog post.

I was reading tonight when I found out one of my heroes, Bruce Springsteen, has fought a long battle with depression, has seen a therapist since 1982, and been on anti-depressants for almost a decade.

For me, Bruce has always been a mythical male figure - the poet warrior - fighting, driving, drinking, wooing women, pondering life and it's pain. To read about him and his father moved me.

It also reminded me of a list I have kept in my head, of other men - men we'd all look up to as "manly men" who are finally opening up about their battles with depression. Men such as....

Terry Bradshaw - the Steelers QB and now Fox football commentator has gone public with his battles with depression. I saw him interviewed once where he described winning the Superbowl and feeling....nothing.

Buzz Aldrin - he was the second man to walk on the moon. Astronauts tended to "the best and the brightest" and Buzz was one of them, a fighter pilot who served in Korea.

Jerry West - the man whose silhouette IS the logo of the NBA.

Musicians, writers, athletes, actors, and just regular men - plumbers, police officers, accountants, teachers - all have experienced depression, and been helped by therapy and/or medication.

And I have, too. That's why this is important to me.

The symptoms of depression in men can be different than in women. Here's a list of them of them from a  good article on male depression:

Escapist behavior, such as spending a lot of time at work or on sports

Alcohol or substance abuse

Controlling, violent or abusive behavior

Inappropriate anger

Risky behavior, such as reckless driving

Infidelity or unhealthy sexual relationships

If you think you or someone you love is suffering from depression, please see a doctor or a counselor. It doesn't have to be that bad.

I wish you the best. Sincerely, Peter Hannah MA LMHC

18 All-Purpose Assertive Phrases

Hi folks,

Twitter is at its best for me when it delivers something of real value.

Today, found an article posted on a Psychology Today blog entitled "Speak Up! 18 All-Purpose Assertive Phrases".

I found it really useful - hope you do to! Best, Peter
Nice Guy counseling in Seattle

PS - Twitter hat tip to @psychfeed

You Can't Say Yes....

If you can't also say "No". Another image quote for the day....

Parenting for the Nice Guy/People Pleaser

Hi everyone,

I'm working on compiling my favorite Nice Guy/People Pleaser quotes - I find they really are good touchstones and tools to keep in mind when we have to fight the tendency to be say yes or be TOO nice.

Here is today's. It pictures a child, but trust me, this advice is not just for working with kids.

Best to all, Peter

No Comment Needed

The Boundary Setting Cycle

Well, I just set a boundary. And now I am nervous.

I recognize this as a cycle. As least a cycle since I've become conscious enough to start setting boundaries over a decade ago. It goes like this:

1) Feel the pressure/dislike of their request/violation
2) Get brave
3) Set my boundary firmly and directly
4) Get nervous and wait for the sh*t to hit the fan
5) A response happens
6) I recalibrate my thinking and integrate the new result

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

All of those steps gets more fine-tuned, quicker, and more direct each time. I think they are also "cleaner" for want of a better word. That is - my emotional reactivity in setting the boundary is lower, and is more limited to the actual person and event at hand. No old stuff. No pent up stuff.

That's the aim at least.

Note that there is NOT an absence of fear. There needs to be faith and/or bravery.

I ran this one by my wife (she does not suffer the same Nice problem as I) and she re-inforced what I already knew I wanted to do.

So now I am anxious awaiting the outcome of having told my truth!

All the best, Peter

That TED Video on Vulnerability (You Need to Watch It)

Dear Fellow Nice Guys,

I call this meeting of Nice Guys Anonymous to order. Please stop fighting over who is giving up the good seats to who. You can apologize later :-)

OK, tonight we'll be watching a short (20-minute) movie. It's called The Power of Vulnerability: a TED Talk by Brene Brown. In it, Brene Brown (she's a social worker with way too much education) studied people who are happy and connected. And this is what she found - it all hinged on vulnerability.

This both floored me (for it's simplicity) and rang absolutely true at the same time. It was instinctively obvious.

Her definition of vulnerability included the courage to be imperfect; the compassion to be kind (to self first, and then to others); and, connection as a result of authenticity.

And it was her view that this all hinged on our view of our own worthiness - did we think we were worthy of love and affection and acceptance even though we are flawed, imperfect human beings.

Well, my friends, I know that what I've always wanted was true connection. It's the drug my body craves. And that the counter-forces we often face (she names them as shame, fear, and lack of worthiness) keep us from experiencing it.

It is my belief, from 45 years on this planet, that she has gotten this right.

So I say to you - watch this video!!! And know that you are worthy, that you are lovable, likable, acceptable, even in your current state. This is the essence of grace.

I truly wish you all the best, yours, Peter
Therapist for Nice Guys